And the Key to a Happy Marriage Is...
If you’re like me, the older you get, the more you see friends divorce … friends that seemed like the perfect couple … friends that you didn’t think were ever in danger of splitting.
Sadly, the reason given for these divorces all too often runs along the lines of a lack of happiness – a spouse was bored, felt unloved, or some other thing that can often seem rather petty to outside observers.
But while marital unhappiness is a common reason for divorce, it also is almost entirely preventable. According to recent research from The Institute for Family Studies and the Wheatley Institute, there are four things which drastically increase marital happiness, and as a result, greatly diminish the odds of divorce. These four things include simple activities – such as frequent date nights and regular church attendance – but also important mindsets, including protection and commitment.
Commitment, as can be seen in the above charts, is the area that has the most positive impact on a marriage staying together. Yet this same commitment is the area that so many seem to struggle with today.
Why is that? Perhaps it’s because, when it comes to marriage, too many of us place a great emphasis on what author C. S. Lewis called “Eros,” or “that state which we call ‘being in love.’”
This type of love has all the feels – the excitement, the thrill, the ecstasy, the joy of being loved and giving of oneself for the lover.
But as we all know, those feels only last for so long. Marriage turns into the mundane. Self rises to the surface, Lewis explains, and those who have put the feels at the center – “those who have idolized Eros” – will be sadly disappointed to find that marriage wasn’t what they imagined it to be. In fact, marriage is all about doing the hard work when we don’t feel like it:
Eros, having made his gigantic promise and shown you in glimpses what its performance would be like, has ‘done his stuff.’ He, like a godparent, makes the vows; it is we who must keep them. It is we who must labour to bring our daily life into even closer accordance with what the glimpses have revealed. We must do the works of Eros when Eros is not present.
What are those works of Eros? They are the simple, everyday things that any couple can do, some of which are listed in the report referenced above, including:
Praying together, as “previous studies show that prayer and other shared personal religious activities help couples deal with stress, enable them to focus on shared hopes for the future, and allow them to deal constructively with challenges and problems in their relationship.”
Shunning “scorekeeping about spouses’ levels of effort and investment.”
Setting aside regular times to communicate, as “communication … can be an important vehicle for approaching mutual difficulties productively.”
Defending your spouse from negative comments by family, friends and children, while also speaking respectfully of him or her yourself.
Doing the works of Eros is really just plain common sense, Lewis concludes, submitting to the ups and downs of married life and weathering those storms with “humility, charity and divine grace.”
This Valentine’s Day may find many of us disenchanted with the idea of love, no matter if we’re single or married. If so, then perhaps we should take a moment to consider whether we’ve allowed ourselves to idolize the idea of Eros – of being in love just for the feelings it brings to ourselves. Then let’s correct our course and begin doing the works of love broadly, not only toward our spouses, but to friends and other family members as well, setting self aside in order to do what’s best for others.
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This article was originally published through The Fred and Rheta Skelton Center for Cultural Renewal.
Image Credit: Freerange Stock
Thanks Annie. You "hit the nail on the head" with this article. Our vow, "... in sickness and in health" took on a new and deeper reality when my sweet Becky, wife of 60 years come June 25th, was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in January 2022 - and that after about 3 years of increasingly obvious symptoms. If "eros" was the foundation of marriage, ours would have been shattered, but it hasn't been because I am COMMITTED to loving, protecting and serving my Honey as her carer ever day. It is a rich privilege, yes, sometimes tiring or irritating, but so what? Our Lord Jesus whom we love is our fortress and stronghold and high tower, and in daily fellowship with and utter dependence on Him, we have been and will make it through this fiery trial, and, best of all, HEAVEN AWAITS! (Rev.Dr. John Wade Long, Jr. & Becky - retired missionaries with WHM/Serge from Hendersonville NC)
A topic both interesting and timely, as well as potentially hugely complex, Annie. On this particular V-Day (14th) I can't help but wonder about how the arguments (opinions?) presented herein hold up in the face of modern cross-cultural marriages (and/or relationships).
A number of years ago, when I first began my expatriate experiences (Southwest Asia and the Far East), I encountered a substantial amount of what we call 'culture shock'...this despite having had much preparation (both experiential and academic) in advance of actually experiencing it firsthand. I learned, among other things, that no matter how well prepared one thinks one is to suddenly become immersed in the attitudes, beliefs and affairs of other quite dissimilar cultures, the potential for getting unexpectedly gob-smacked is still substantial.
Nowhere is this more evident than in cross-cultural marriages. My wife is from China and I am (of course) a US native. I was a student of East Asian culture and civilisation back when I was an undergraduate and I always thought I was quite well prepared, consequently, to embrace the cultural differences implicit between our two distinctly different cultures as I stepped off the plane in China.
Fast forward 35 years from then, and as my wife and I age I find myself stepping on unanticipated cultural land-mines as we continue life together with surprising frequency. It wasn't like this back when we were first going together and I can't help but wonder if the vicissitudes of advancing age, hormonal and gender differences exert a more profound effect on erstwhile 'marital happiness' than anyone suspects.
Our particular situation derived from cultures that originated and existed several thousand miles apart from each other, but consider a situation somewhat less dishomogenous than ours...say a marriage between two individuals in the same country (the US), with different ethnic (e.g. racial) origins.
Back in Berkeley of the late 60s I had a white friend who had a black girlfriend. They seemed to care very much for each other as would be the case in any boy/girl romantic relationship. And yet, the racial customs, circumstances, traditions, social milieu and behavioral 'comfort zone' of each would regularly create unplanned tensions, considerable frictions and trying difficulties for them. Eventually, they broke up but I was at the time impressed by their courage in pursuing love, despite the existing strong social (racial) antipathies that still existed back then.
As someone who is emotionally mature and strongly committed to my own marriage, "to have and to hold until death do us part", I have surmounted most of my own cross-cultural marital difficulties well enough, but I still find myself wondering about how well others (such as my Berkeley-couple friends) deal with the need to bridge cultural chasms in their daily lives.
Something to ponder and ruminate upon, Annie! And a subject probably not substantially explored yet, in today's enthusiastically promoted 'diversity/woke' progressive social environment, eh? Despite all the corporate commercial media advertising that glibly and routinely portray white/black pairings as perfectly normal in television spots, these attitudes do seem to comprise a 'Brave New World' that is still largely terra incognita!